btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
