Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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