my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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