I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
