its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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