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• (661): View more from California

  Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.

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• (623): View more from Arizona

  Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?

  (1-623): View more from Arizona

  Um.. is it mean if I say yes?

  (623): View more from Arizona

  How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"

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• (601): View more from Mississippi

  I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sorry. Im on my way.

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• (+61): View more from Australia

  You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.

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• (318): View more from Louisiana

  I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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• (818): View more from California

  We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

  (619): View more from California

  I will find you...

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal

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• (512): View more from Texas

  I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now

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• (360): View more from Washington

  You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.

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• (260): View more from Indiana

  You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019

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