before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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