I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
