smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
