Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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