You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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