I just threw up on my dentist
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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