My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
