I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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