um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
