I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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