Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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