why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize