it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
