For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
