we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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