i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
