miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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