I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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