my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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