Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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