mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
