I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
