The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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