Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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