Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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