About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
