Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
