When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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