I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
