If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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