I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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