Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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