I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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