are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize