i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize