and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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