you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
