I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
