I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
