That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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