Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
