I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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