dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
