when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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