Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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