Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
