My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize