How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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