I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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